Should you allow your future self to relive bad memories? | The Modern Hidalgo

Co-working cafes, and Lowest Points.

THE MODERN HIDALGO: Entry_040.
Written: Wednesday. September 4, 2019.

I’m thinking of what to write about. I could write about anything. But what happened yesterday…I don’t really know if I should put that here, in this Journal of mine. It’s sort of a mix of good stuff and major bad stuff, that I don’t really want to look back on once I’ve written it on this Journal. Cause I think that’s what’s gonna happen anyway.

By immortalizing a bad memory, I think it would only cause my future self to relive those bad memories.

Is it wrong to deny myself, or at least my future self, the bad stuff that happened, and only remember the good stuff? Then how would I even remember that it was a bad moment, when I couldn’t even remember it happening? And why should I remember those bad moments, when I can be happy with the good moments I have?

These are the questions I’m facing right now. I wasn’t able to write something yesterday because of this. I wasn’t sure if writing about what had just happened last night was a good thing to do. Because then, doing that would immortalize the moment.

I guess I’ll talk about it…

* * *

But before that, I should talk about the good stuff that happened at lunch time yesterday. So I had gotten a message from my pal Kurt, saying that we should meet up to work on our company (Shockpoint). We’ve been trying to fix the company, run the company, basically rebuild the company to what we really wanted it to be. But in order for us to get to where we wanna be, we have to be doing the things that could get us money.

Because the things we do, or want to do, can’t be done easily without the help of a little green.

So we went to Orange Desk, like what we had done a few days ago (Friday). It’s a co-working place. A study hub, a place of civilized brainstorming. Which meant we can’t talk loud, unless if we wanted to upset the other people hanging around the place, sipping their coffees and hitting the grinding stone.

hitting the grinding stone—that’s when you’re at work in front of your laptop or computer, typing on your keyboard as much as you can, checking your emails, finishing a design, writing outlines for your next best selling novel. That’s what you call “hitting the grinding stone”…or just “hit the grind stone”.

So we were there for about 4 hours. That’s 120 PHP per student. A decent price, since there’s free & unlimited coffee or tea, fast wifi, and good enough ambiance. Though the getting there is a bit of a hassle, since we need to climb like 5 flights of stairs in order to get to the place. I know it’s a healthy thing, since we’d be sitting around in chairs once we settle in the place, but still, those stairs feel like mountains sometimes.

* * *

Our agenda for the meetup was to get our website running, since we didn’t have a website yet for our channel. But we weren’t able to get anything done, cause Kurt decided to sleep.

He didn’t get a lot of sleep yesterday, or maybe even the day before that. I mean, I was up until 3 am prior to yesterday, but I was able to stay awake even still. I don’t blame the guy. But he could have scheduled the meeting some other time, so that we could have something done for the day.

Though I was able to learn that you could easily set up your own website with Google Sites. It’s just that it’s not your domain that you get to use. Though that’s optional. If you own a domain, you could just use that instead of the URL Google provides you with.

* * *

So when we had finished our time there, I woke Kurt up (cause he slept through the last two hours), and then we left. As we were leaving the building, I then saw David (my other friend), and a bunch of people who are now graduates, and I’m betting: still don’t have jobs, since they were spending their weekdays outside and about to go to the exact same place we were in.

When we got down, Kurt went straight to the trike lane, and I spent a few minutes trying to find a ride in order to get to SM North Edsa, where I was going to spend the rest of the day on. Yet there were no available jeeps passing by, so I just settled for SM San Lazaro.

I hadn’t eaten lunch yet, so I went and bought myself two slices of pizza from a Pizza Hut booth. Those two slices of pizza are always gonna hit the spot for me.

* * *

When I got home, I can’t really remember much of what I did. I just remember not being able to do anything in regards to researching about what I had to research about that was connected to my “graduation roadblock”.

And with all the things I’ve been doing on Shockpoint, compared to the things, or the lack thereof, when it comes to my school project…I’ve done nothing.

So I had prepared myself to confront my parents about wanting to not go through the whole process of having to graduate. I had prepared it, in my head, that I was dead certain that I didn’t need to do this, because there were other things that I could be doing—that I knew how to do! I never knew what I was doing when it came to what I had to research about.

I never had the same enthusiasm for it, the same amount of interest, or passion for it at all, ever since day one.

I really, truly feel like I’m in the middle of an ocean, trying to paddle to the shore, but not knowing which direction to swim towards. Because I can’t see any sign of land, no sign of a nearby boat, no mountains, no clue as to how the wind could direct me to the closest island. There is literally nothing that I could do, in order to at least not drown.

And I drowned last night.

I had a very heated discussion with my mom about it. At the end, I didn’t really get to where I wanted to be.

I hate seeing my mom cry. Let alone if it was me who made it so.

I guess there’s no other way to it at this point.

I have to finish this, no matter if I want to or not.

“The hardest choices require the strongest wills.”

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