Imagine being able to remember some things about a past life that was never really yours to begin with…THE MODERN HIDALGO: Entry_091.
Written: Tuesday. April 14, 2020.
I started fixing the older journal entries yesterday, cause of the spin-the-wheel app landing on “process old medium entries”. And the last entry I stopped on was not that quite of a good day. I think the reason why I stopped fixing them cause I got to the point of the journal entries that were written at the time of my dad’s operation, and also the times of the post-operation.
*sunlight is shining on my face right now, disrupting my focus on this entry*
The things I wrote back then weren’t that nice to revisit. Especially when I know what happens to the expectations I had at that time. I’m also trying to think of what might happen if some of the people I referenced in those past entries get to read stuff about them without their consent or approval? What kind of responses would I get from them? It’ll probably be bad, and I understand that. But then again, if it were to happen, that some of them get to read this in the future — should I be considerate of those responses? Probably. Yet there’s that nagging thing in my brain telling me that I shouldn’t really worry too much about it. It is a journal in the first place, right? We’re allowed to express our thoughts to ourselves and share them to others. I mean, it’s not like I’m expecting people to read this journal or anything (which is what’s happening so far… nobody’s reading this).
I dunno. I feel conflicted about it. Am I a bad person for talking about people, to myself, behind their back? Or am I just paranoid, cause it’s all just me trying to cope with the things that I was experiencing, at the time that it was written… you decided, my constant reader. If you ever exist in the future.
That’s another funny thing about these journal entries. I’ve always written stuff down that I didn’t know my head was subconsciously thinking about. This is a way for me to explore my subconscious — is what I’m saying. I’m also never fazed with the realization that someone might criticize me for what I write in these entries (excluding the prior issue I dove into).
This is my mini-world. It’s how I see the things around me.
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And now we’re at the part where I don’t know what to talk about anymore, cause I already wrote something yesterday, and have nothing new to tell today…If I look at the yellow post-it-notes stuck to the bottom of the upper bed that hovers above me every time I lay on my bed, it says that on Tuesdays I get to talk about Games.
Not to completely dismiss the topic, but I’m actually currently reading something that happens to be about video games: Armada by Ernest Cline. It’s about a dude who finds out that the online game he’s been playing — about an alien race trying to take over the Earth via spaceship battles — is actually happening in real life. I haven’t read the part where it happens, but I’m getting there. It’s kind of hard to read, cause I’m not used to reading something about video games in books. But since it technically plays a major part of the story — which is why the author spends time expounding on it — I have to take it as gospel. And my head’s having a hard time processing that.
It’s weird, cause I did a similar thing with the story I’ve been writing almost a year now, called The Omnivault. There are a few chapters there where I talked about a fictional version of an online game I used to play with my friend back in high school. But now that I’m reading something similar in Armada, I don’t know if writing about video games or referencing a bunch of pop culture stuff is something that’ll pay off in a story. But I’m hoping that my brain gets to cope with it later on as I read more.
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I did play a little bit of Kingdom Hearts 358/2 days. But I got bored with it and just watched the cutscene-compilation of it on Youtube. The game’s too long, and it’s kind of boring at the very beginning. It’s also quite melancholy. The story’s probably the most depressing one out of all the Kingdom Hearts games. Cause the characters aren’t necessarily characters in the first place. They’re parodies of other characters, and it just so happens that these hollow characters were able to create a conscience. They have memories, but the memories are not originally theirs in the first place. Imagine being able to remember some things about a past life that was never really yours to begin with… It’s sad, and a little bit dangerous, to think about. Which is probably why I just watched the cutscene-compilation. The game-play is also very one-dimensional. There’s not much to do in the game, in the sense of trying to enjoy it, cause the story makes you not want to enjoy it, cause these characters that you’re tuning into have no right to even exist in the first place… in a manner of speaking.
It’s too heavy a burden to think about and to reflect upon, man. I didn’t sign up for the feels, but I witnessed it. And witnessed it hard.
After I finish playing Red Rescue Team, I’ll probably go back to playing the main Pokemon Games. Starting with Leaf Green.
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