Written: Thursday. August 12, 2021.
It's day like today, tonight rather, that remind me that I'll never function well when it's just me, my brother, and my father, living in the house. Nothing's happened to my mother, mind you. Awhile ago just so happened to be that she was asleep already when I went down to eat supper. I could have dealt with fixing myself up a meal to eat on my own, but my dad went down to help with setting up the plates and whatever. Nothing wrong with that, but I honestly have some subconscious resentment happening towards my father.
It's the result of him not physically being in the house and spending time with us enough throughout the years. Even if my brother can list down several reasons why that statement can be proven wrong, regardless of all of those evidences, it's still how I feel. My father never takes the time to socialize with us. His mind is too focused on work, that now he's showing signs of early dementia. I might be exaggerating a little bit, but he forgets stuff all the time. He forgets to return things he's taken, forgets to close certain things that need to be closed, forgets small detail once he's moved to another task.
I mean, even if he didn't have that problem, he's still someone I can't seem to relate to, or don't want to converse with. I always get anxious whenever I'm alone with him, or even when he just sits near me, or is just present in the same room. And it's because I know that there's a chance he'll speak to me about stuff I don't want to converse about, at all. He'll never have a simple conversation with me, he'll never have a conversation that just exists on its own, and does not have an agenda. He's always after something whenever he want's to speak to me, and it's either something about what I've been doing lately, or what he's been up to lately that he want's to incorporate to other people's lives, without thinking of the consequences of sharing the information he's about to give.
He has been a father in the technical sense (paying for school, paying for rent and bills, paying for stuff we need or want when it's not too expensive, paying for the food we eat three times a day), but he hasn't been a father in the spiritual sense of what it means to be a father, which is to be around talking to his kids, having a nice conversation with our mother, spending time trying to understand what we do in our lives, or at least showing interest for the sake of having genuine interest.
It bothers me that my YouTube Channel is filled with a bunch of Subscribers who were won by the Sub-to-Sub strategy. Almost half of my subscribers came from my father's handy work back in 2019, when he had nothing better to do except to rub his hands into my own business. Anybody could say that he did it because he wanted to support me and my passion, but I know deep down it was only because he wasn't working his regular job, and decided to "support" me, so that I would be indebted to the hard work he put in on MY Channel.
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I didn't get to fucking do shit today that was in any sort of way productive. I just watched a bunch of anime and watched a bunch of YouTube Shorts to hopefully get a sense of the strategy into making those kinds of videos. Sure, I made a new Short today, but that's it. I completely forgot to read even a chapter of a book today, and I didn't even get to exercise. The time I get to spend everyday, which has been the normal state of things recently, is very minimal. I usually wake up at around 10 or even 11:30 am, and I basically spend 1-3 pm either taking a nap, or doing some random shit like playing a mobile game, or whatever.
The only commendable hours of the day that I get to spend are the hours when my brother's finally out of our fucking bedroom, which is probably around the time when we out what is supposedly our lunch, which happens at around 4-5 pm, because my mother doesn't prepare to cook lunch at around 1-3 pm. I have no fucking clue what she does in those hours. She just sits there in the dining table and does God knows what with her time.
I simply cannot function well in this household, because every single element found in this house is preventing me to do so. I fucking miss the days when I got to just leave the house in order to go to a mall of my choice. I would just go there to be there. It didn't matter what I would do in the mall. I could go to the book store and browse for potential books to buy. I could window shop and daydream about things I'd want to buy. I would do anything, as long as I get to be away from the reality that's happening in my house. The three people besides me who are living in this house are stuck doing the same thing over and over again, without a plan of ever straying away from that path of repetition.
And the unfortunate thing of all is that I've been infected by their disease. I'm a walking time-loop wasting away every single day of my existence, with no chance of escape, unless I end up having character development. But let's face it, nothing will ever change, until this stupid pandemic ends.
I hate that my future self is gonna have to read everything I've just written down today. This is the most upsetting and disappointing journal entry I've ever written down. Fuck this stupid reality that I'm living in. I want to wake up tomorrow and find out that I've been asleep, and everything's been a bad dream, and it's March 15, 2020 again. No sign of Covid, no sign of a pandemic. Just reality as it was in the beginning.
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