read this, future me, if you’re not certain where you came from.THE MODERN HIDALGO: Entry_047.
Written: Monday. September 30, 2019.
So, I’ve been out of it quite a while again. This daily journal has truly gone off of its course, and has now been, for a while, just “The Journal” where I write entries six times a week, because Sunday is my rest day (so that I don’t experience Burnout), to just a journal where I write whenever I feel like writing. Which in this case, and for I guess 5 or 6 Entries ago already, I’ve been putting out journal entries lesser than twice or thrice in a week. And that’s just sad to look at, really.
I don’t know what’s been happening to me. I sort of had this unyielding tenacity to do so much, but now it’s gone for some reason. That kind of energy has been absent in me. I’ve noticed it, and have been figuring out how it came to be that I lost that strength in me to push on with…well, life, basically.
I think it has something to do with what happened to me last Friday.
So last Friday, I had to go to my adviser (a teacher that I would have to speak to and consult my progress, or lack thereof, on my “graduation roadblock”). Technically, I went to the office Wednesday last week, but my adviser told us that she wasn’t going to do shit for the day, and moved the consultations on a Friday. So we ended up going on a Friday.
I, at the time, wasn’t even in the same trail of thought as what I had been there to consult for. Let me explain.
So when Wednesday had come, and the whole “we were not gonna be able to consult” thing happened, I sort of laid back from thinking about the whole “graduation roadblock” thing. And started doing things outside of it, like playing Minecraft or watching a movie, or this very awesome web series that I got caught up binge-watching for like 5 days in a row, called Fantasy High from Dimension 20, a Dungeons & Dragons quest set in a sort of John Hughes movie universe, with Fantasy elements sprinkled all throughout the land, with the amazing College Humor cast as the six main characters we get to watch in the whole 17-episode long season. Just talking about it really gets me pumped up. I can’t get enough of this series.
This was one of the main reasons why I wasn’t prepared to consult with my adviser last Friday. Because I was so out of the funk of studying, and into the world of Fantasy High, my mind was blank the whole meeting.
And the result of that was this 30 minute long(in my head it was longer than that) session of getting myself roasted by two teachers, because I wasn’t able to answer their questions correctly, or at all.
I couldn’t find the right answers, the right words to say. I couldn’t defend my work, because I myself didn’t know what I was doing, or if I was on the right track of where I needed to be when it came to my “graduation roadblock”.
These two teachers, the other one being somewhat of a terror teacher through the eyes of me, looked at my artworks and literally made me glitch out of what was happening. And I was stuck inside my head, not able to speak or even look directly at them as they spoke to me.
I left the building feeling so humiliated, that for the past 3 days now, I haven’t been focusing on my studies, because I couldn’t dare get myself to even start working on it. I’ve always been humiliated by people my whole life. But there was a certain difference to what happened to me last Friday, that the past humiliations never provided.
It was the factor of choice. I got myself into that mess in the first place. And it was my actions that lead to that event happening in my life. That’s why it is so hard for me to digest what had just happened, because I let it happen.
Knowing that I could have completely gone the other way, and would’ve never had to end up experiencing that moment in my life, because I have all of these other opportunities that I could be doing or focusing on, and be doing that quite well and not in a mediocre way, is devastating to me.
I don’t have a choice in this matter. It frightens me to my very core that I can’t decide my own fate and have nobody telling me otherwise. It’s an unfair matter to even think about, that you are one out of a million, who know that you could be doing more, do better things, and realize you can’t do any of those things, because you’re faced with this tenet of academic purpose that negates the idea of freedom.
I have to fight that tenet every single day of my life. That principle. And the sad thing about it is knowing that I’ll lose that fight, every time, no matter how hard I try saying otherwise.
Because people will always tell you otherwise as well. Because to them, this tenet is the “end-all, be all” situation that will get me to where I want to be. Oh sorry, where “they” want me to be. Because to them, it’s what got them to where they wanted to be. So the logic, their logic, is that everybody should be following along with that “end-all, be-all” course in life, right?
* * *
So that’s what’s been eating me up inside these past few days (or weeks) that I’ve been absent from this Journal of mine. I haven’t even written a new chapter for The Omnivault yet. I’ve missed a week already, and that’s just wrong.
I will make up for it. This is me trying to convince myself that I could get back into the spring of things.
This is me telling myself to get back up.
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