Written: Monday. September 21, 2020.
I generally don’t know what to talk about right now, cause a lot of the current stuff that I’ve been doing or thinking of has not really turned into solid ideas or solid events. Visually, nothing’s changed. But my mind’s been dealing with a lot of information and subconscious ramifications, that it’s also causing me to feel a bit anxious and under mild stress because of the amount of thinking I’m doing as of late.
It’s like I’m trying to balance out three lives all at once. I wanna focus on writing, but also want to focus on my artistic endeavors, and also want to start developing a game, but am also trying to maintain posting everyday on my channel, coming up with new content to fucking put out that doesn’t necessarily have good quality. I’m doing too much, but still not enough, and it feels fucking frustrating already. I can’t get myself to do less, at all. I can’t focus on one thing. Why?
I’ve already written down my priorities a month or so ago, but it still feels like I don’t have it all under control. I’m more out of control now, than ever before, mentally. My mental state is all over the place at this point, I don’t even know if my story structures for these entries makes sense for the reader anymore; not that I intend to write for the sake of being read (when it comes to the journal).
I’m also in a rut. The short-story-per-week-for-a-year challenge has not been written with the passion for writing my own ideas for short stories, for at least the last three stories so far. I’ve been using prompts taken from Reddit, and have not used my own prompts or ideas (cause most of my backups require more than 500 words to truly capture the spirit of — blah blah blah — you get the point).
I’ve also not focused on my research regarding Philippine Mythology and other related media, for a long while. Again, my mind’s focusing on too many stuff, that paradoxically causes me to not be focusing on anything at all.
I’m thinking of writing a remake of the Ben 10 franchise. I’ve been watching Ultimate Alien again lately, and I have some ideas whenever I watch new episodes. Like certain changes that could be made so that Ben 10 could possibly rise up to the ranks of Avatar: The Last Airbender, when it comes to world-building and story-telling. With much effort, it is possible. But what we’re seeing on TV is only the result of studios (ex: Cartoon Network) wanting to profit off of the franchise (by making sure that the majority of characters, villains, alien transformations, can be turned into playable action-figures).
An example of the ideas running through my head is about Gwen’s character development (or otherwise lack of development) when it comes to the series. To completely provide a different story-line for her, my idea relies on Gwen wanting to be a Forever Knight. She still knows magic in this rework; still knows martial arts. But beyond that, she has no solid foundation on whose side she’s in. We rarely see Gwen make her own decisions or have her own side-story going on in the series (cause it’s all focused on Ben). So to fix that, I want her to enlist as a Forever Knight. The Knights have been known to explore the fantasy side of the Ben 10 multiverse, so that means they might also be interested in resorting to the study of magic in order to fight the alien dragons in their legends. Gwen discovers this, and is interested in becoming a knight. But the Forever Knights are a male-majority community. There are Kings and rarely Queens, and there have only been male knights shown in the series. So Gwen wanting to become a Forever Knight will be a challenging (and active) role for Gwen to play in. She’ll succeed in defeating whoever she has to face in order to prove herself, and she’ll eventually become a Queen herself. With the use of her magic knowledge, Gwen is an exemplary knight that could best foes in battle.
Meanwhile, her relationship with Ben, Kevin, Grandpa Max, and other characters will drastically change as well with this radical change in her story-line. Her and Ben’s competitive relationship when they were 10 years old will be even more tested and focused on even as they’ve grown up. But it’ll be more mature, cause what they’re fighting for are now ideologies, principles, and moral obligations, whatnot. It’s more of a conflicting and engaging dynamic when Ben and Gwen don’t always see eye-to-eye, rather than have them become friends immediately when they become teens (as shown at the very beginning of Alien Force).
Sure, you could chalk it all up to “Well, they’ve grown up and matured, that’s why they’re friends already” — No. Rivalry doesn’t end that quickly and easily in real life, especially when faced with such a rich world where you have aliens, magic, etc.
That’s my brain fart for the day.
Written: Tuesday. September 22, 2020.
Today, I’ve reached the (for now) conclusion that I could only keep my sanity intact if I force myself to do something, anything, with my time…in all hours of the waking life.
I’ve noticed that I’m more stressed out because of my thoughts. If I spend too much time to actual think if I have the time to think, I end up overthinking, and it leads to nowhere, and also leads to me being so frustrated because of the thoughts that have ruminated in my head. Like a mind constipation his happening every time I do nothing. So I have to do something. In all moments that I am awake.
I overslept today. My body might’ve used up too much energy last Sunday night (it is what you think it probably is). A lot of things have been losing its flavor for me, so I’m in the process of experimenting on how I could get myself to be more…active…again. That’s how I’m gonna put it. I’ll speak nothing more it this for now, and will leave you in utter confusion (or not, if you’re catching my drift here).
I haven’t been keen on reading, but I was able to get myself to it again awhile ago; also when it comes to exercising. I’ve been working out again. Though I did slack off for like 2 days of no lifting.
I just finished playing Ben 10: Alien Force on the PSP Emulator. It’s not as good as the first Ben 10 game.
I’ve also finished writing up all the existing Kaiju movies in one complete list (ordered by release). I’ll be putting that in my Blogspot account once I’m done proofreading it.
Nothing more to say today, other than I’ve also downloaded a bunch of books off the internet again. It’s getting out of hand, but I also can’t help myself (is that a redundant statement? I dunno).
Written: Wednesday. September 23, 2020.
Today is the day I forgot to upload a video on YouTube. I was busy looking through old pictures on Facebook that I completely lost track of time. It’s only 10 o’clock, but my brother is already inside of the bed room, so I can’t record myself speaking anymore. The Facebook thing started because I wanted to remove a few “friends” on my account. I have 800+ “friends”, but of course, at least only a dozen of those people I truly regard as friends or family. Most of them are schoolmates, college friends, friends from other people, and uh…relatives. I wasn’t even able to lower the count to less than 800. It was like 860 or something, then when I refreshed, it just landed on 840…
Anyway, I’ve started playing Ben 10 Alien Force: Vilgax Attacks. I like the design of Humungousaur better in this one, but the attack moves and combos of all the aliens are left to be desired. But I’ve only just played the game for like five minutes, so I’ll talk more about it in the next entries.
I was able to read 3 chapters of Frankenstein awhile ago. The heavy rainfall caused me to wake up from my afternoon slumber, and I went down in order to read the book. I don’t know why I went down, it was probably just a brain fart or something.
I really like reading the chapters of Frankenstein’s monster (I mean, the chapters where he speaks and tells his tale to his maker). This story is well written and well thought of, and I can’t stress enough how fascinated I am with the parallels of this book to the creation of man. It’s literally a dark take of Genesis, where a god (or a man with a god-complex) basically creates a being out of pure ugliness (whereas our creator in his image; out of pure beauty). It’s a twisted retelling of a very familiar story, that it’s why I’m reading it for a second time (and I probably will read it for a third and fourth time, in the constant future).
I didn’t do much for today, really. My time on the desktop was cut short because the stupid internet kept failing on me every time I decided to download anything. I was trying to download books off of PDF DRIVE (a wonderful discovery I’ve made in the previous days). But the internet (specifically Sky Cable) is a fucking asshole that simply wants to watch the world burn. None of that shit happens whenever I download on my laptop. That’s why it’s fucking frustrating.
I’ve been watching a lot of Ben 10 Ultimate Alien lately. This year really has been a year of me re-watching my childhood favorite cartoons, movies, etc. It’s like a blessing in disguise (excluding the pandemic part). I’ve also been watching Daimos, and JAKQ Dengekitai.
Written: Thursday. September 24, 2020.
I feel like this week is either the quickest feeling, or the longest feeling. Cause it’s already Thursday, but I’m also saying “it’s only Thursday?”. You catching my vibe here? It’s that kind of week where you’re just “A lot has happened already. Give me the next one.”
I think it’s the excessive workout I’ve been (successfully) doing for three days now. I wasn’t really supposed to workout yesterday cause on Tuesday I had already worked out. But seeing that my body is too fat, I feel like I need to up the ante when it comes to losing weight. And so that’s what I did. I did more than my usual routine — adding core workout into the mix. I was doing this rep that would essentially stretch my leg area, but that form didn’t really hold up to anything. So I’m dealing with more of the cycling routine, where I paddle my legs in the air (while I also hold tight my abdomen area). Two birds with one stone, cause it helps with the core, and helps with the legs…I think. At least, that’s how it felt afterwards. My legs felt like they ran a quick mile or something and it was hard to go up and down the stairs for a moment.
Enough about muscles. Let’s talk about other things…there isn’t much to tell. As you may have noticed, I’ve written entries since Monday, so not much progress can actually happen in the span of a mere day between journal sessions. Nevertheless, I’ve been trying to focus on lesser things. I’m going back to reading at least 3 chapters per day, though as of now I’ve only read one chapter (but it’s from a Wheel of Time book, so it’s sort of equivalent to 2–3 regular chapters. But even so, I hear myself sounding like a Nancy over here).
I forgot to record a video yesterday, so I decided on doing a video today, and uploading it within the same day. I’ve done that, and after this entry session, I’ll be conducting another recording. That sort of negates the “I’m doing less” thing, but I’ve also not really focused on the “art” aspect of the things that I would normally do, or think about. I had these constant unnerving thoughts about “needing” to make art or draw something. It’s a paranoia-complex that I have, I guess, that I would think that I need to do all of these multiple things at once. And it’s driven me insane (slightly). So here I am taking action towards righting that toxic complex.
I’m gonna approach writing as a priority. And anything else pertaining to art is a leisure activity.
I generally don’t know what to talk about right now, cause a lot of the current stuff that I’ve been doing or thinking of has not really turned into solid ideas or solid events. Visually, nothing’s changed. But my mind’s been dealing with a lot of information and subconscious ramifications, that it’s also causing me to feel a bit anxious and under mild stress because of the amount of thinking I’m doing as of late.
It’s like I’m trying to balance out three lives all at once. I wanna focus on writing, but also want to focus on my artistic endeavors, and also want to start developing a game, but am also trying to maintain posting everyday on my channel, coming up with new content to fucking put out that doesn’t necessarily have good quality. I’m doing too much, but still not enough, and it feels fucking frustrating already. I can’t get myself to do less, at all. I can’t focus on one thing. Why?
I’ve already written down my priorities a month or so ago, but it still feels like I don’t have it all under control. I’m more out of control now, than ever before, mentally. My mental state is all over the place at this point, I don’t even know if my story structures for these entries makes sense for the reader anymore; not that I intend to write for the sake of being read (when it comes to the journal).
I’m also in a rut. The short-story-per-week-for-a-year challenge has not been written with the passion for writing my own ideas for short stories, for at least the last three stories so far. I’ve been using prompts taken from Reddit, and have not used my own prompts or ideas (cause most of my backups require more than 500 words to truly capture the spirit of — blah blah blah — you get the point).
I’ve also not focused on my research regarding Philippine Mythology and other related media, for a long while. Again, my mind’s focusing on too many stuff, that paradoxically causes me to not be focusing on anything at all.
I’m thinking of writing a remake of the Ben 10 franchise. I’ve been watching Ultimate Alien again lately, and I have some ideas whenever I watch new episodes. Like certain changes that could be made so that Ben 10 could possibly rise up to the ranks of Avatar: The Last Airbender, when it comes to world-building and story-telling. With much effort, it is possible. But what we’re seeing on TV is only the result of studios (ex: Cartoon Network) wanting to profit off of the franchise (by making sure that the majority of characters, villains, alien transformations, can be turned into playable action-figures).
An example of the ideas running through my head is about Gwen’s character development (or otherwise lack of development) when it comes to the series. To completely provide a different story-line for her, my idea relies on Gwen wanting to be a Forever Knight. She still knows magic in this rework; still knows martial arts. But beyond that, she has no solid foundation on whose side she’s in. We rarely see Gwen make her own decisions or have her own side-story going on in the series (cause it’s all focused on Ben). So to fix that, I want her to enlist as a Forever Knight. The Knights have been known to explore the fantasy side of the Ben 10 multiverse, so that means they might also be interested in resorting to the study of magic in order to fight the alien dragons in their legends. Gwen discovers this, and is interested in becoming a knight. But the Forever Knights are a male-majority community. There are Kings and rarely Queens, and there have only been male knights shown in the series. So Gwen wanting to become a Forever Knight will be a challenging (and active) role for Gwen to play in. She’ll succeed in defeating whoever she has to face in order to prove herself, and she’ll eventually become a Queen herself. With the use of her magic knowledge, Gwen is an exemplary knight that could best foes in battle.
Meanwhile, her relationship with Ben, Kevin, Grandpa Max, and other characters will drastically change as well with this radical change in her story-line. Her and Ben’s competitive relationship when they were 10 years old will be even more tested and focused on even as they’ve grown up. But it’ll be more mature, cause what they’re fighting for are now ideologies, principles, and moral obligations, whatnot. It’s more of a conflicting and engaging dynamic when Ben and Gwen don’t always see eye-to-eye, rather than have them become friends immediately when they become teens (as shown at the very beginning of Alien Force).
Sure, you could chalk it all up to “Well, they’ve grown up and matured, that’s why they’re friends already” — No. Rivalry doesn’t end that quickly and easily in real life, especially when faced with such a rich world where you have aliens, magic, etc.
That’s my brain fart for the day.
* * *
Written: Tuesday. September 22, 2020.
Today, I’ve reached the (for now) conclusion that I could only keep my sanity intact if I force myself to do something, anything, with my time…in all hours of the waking life.
I’ve noticed that I’m more stressed out because of my thoughts. If I spend too much time to actual think if I have the time to think, I end up overthinking, and it leads to nowhere, and also leads to me being so frustrated because of the thoughts that have ruminated in my head. Like a mind constipation his happening every time I do nothing. So I have to do something. In all moments that I am awake.
I overslept today. My body might’ve used up too much energy last Sunday night (it is what you think it probably is). A lot of things have been losing its flavor for me, so I’m in the process of experimenting on how I could get myself to be more…active…again. That’s how I’m gonna put it. I’ll speak nothing more it this for now, and will leave you in utter confusion (or not, if you’re catching my drift here).
I haven’t been keen on reading, but I was able to get myself to it again awhile ago; also when it comes to exercising. I’ve been working out again. Though I did slack off for like 2 days of no lifting.
I just finished playing Ben 10: Alien Force on the PSP Emulator. It’s not as good as the first Ben 10 game.
I’ve also finished writing up all the existing Kaiju movies in one complete list (ordered by release). I’ll be putting that in my Blogspot account once I’m done proofreading it.
Nothing more to say today, other than I’ve also downloaded a bunch of books off the internet again. It’s getting out of hand, but I also can’t help myself (is that a redundant statement? I dunno).
* * *
Written: Wednesday. September 23, 2020.
Today is the day I forgot to upload a video on YouTube. I was busy looking through old pictures on Facebook that I completely lost track of time. It’s only 10 o’clock, but my brother is already inside of the bed room, so I can’t record myself speaking anymore. The Facebook thing started because I wanted to remove a few “friends” on my account. I have 800+ “friends”, but of course, at least only a dozen of those people I truly regard as friends or family. Most of them are schoolmates, college friends, friends from other people, and uh…relatives. I wasn’t even able to lower the count to less than 800. It was like 860 or something, then when I refreshed, it just landed on 840…
Anyway, I’ve started playing Ben 10 Alien Force: Vilgax Attacks. I like the design of Humungousaur better in this one, but the attack moves and combos of all the aliens are left to be desired. But I’ve only just played the game for like five minutes, so I’ll talk more about it in the next entries.
I was able to read 3 chapters of Frankenstein awhile ago. The heavy rainfall caused me to wake up from my afternoon slumber, and I went down in order to read the book. I don’t know why I went down, it was probably just a brain fart or something.
I really like reading the chapters of Frankenstein’s monster (I mean, the chapters where he speaks and tells his tale to his maker). This story is well written and well thought of, and I can’t stress enough how fascinated I am with the parallels of this book to the creation of man. It’s literally a dark take of Genesis, where a god (or a man with a god-complex) basically creates a being out of pure ugliness (whereas our creator in his image; out of pure beauty). It’s a twisted retelling of a very familiar story, that it’s why I’m reading it for a second time (and I probably will read it for a third and fourth time, in the constant future).
I didn’t do much for today, really. My time on the desktop was cut short because the stupid internet kept failing on me every time I decided to download anything. I was trying to download books off of PDF DRIVE (a wonderful discovery I’ve made in the previous days). But the internet (specifically Sky Cable) is a fucking asshole that simply wants to watch the world burn. None of that shit happens whenever I download on my laptop. That’s why it’s fucking frustrating.
I’ve been watching a lot of Ben 10 Ultimate Alien lately. This year really has been a year of me re-watching my childhood favorite cartoons, movies, etc. It’s like a blessing in disguise (excluding the pandemic part). I’ve also been watching Daimos, and JAKQ Dengekitai.
* * *
Written: Thursday. September 24, 2020.
I feel like this week is either the quickest feeling, or the longest feeling. Cause it’s already Thursday, but I’m also saying “it’s only Thursday?”. You catching my vibe here? It’s that kind of week where you’re just “A lot has happened already. Give me the next one.”
I think it’s the excessive workout I’ve been (successfully) doing for three days now. I wasn’t really supposed to workout yesterday cause on Tuesday I had already worked out. But seeing that my body is too fat, I feel like I need to up the ante when it comes to losing weight. And so that’s what I did. I did more than my usual routine — adding core workout into the mix. I was doing this rep that would essentially stretch my leg area, but that form didn’t really hold up to anything. So I’m dealing with more of the cycling routine, where I paddle my legs in the air (while I also hold tight my abdomen area). Two birds with one stone, cause it helps with the core, and helps with the legs…I think. At least, that’s how it felt afterwards. My legs felt like they ran a quick mile or something and it was hard to go up and down the stairs for a moment.
Enough about muscles. Let’s talk about other things…there isn’t much to tell. As you may have noticed, I’ve written entries since Monday, so not much progress can actually happen in the span of a mere day between journal sessions. Nevertheless, I’ve been trying to focus on lesser things. I’m going back to reading at least 3 chapters per day, though as of now I’ve only read one chapter (but it’s from a Wheel of Time book, so it’s sort of equivalent to 2–3 regular chapters. But even so, I hear myself sounding like a Nancy over here).
I forgot to record a video yesterday, so I decided on doing a video today, and uploading it within the same day. I’ve done that, and after this entry session, I’ll be conducting another recording. That sort of negates the “I’m doing less” thing, but I’ve also not really focused on the “art” aspect of the things that I would normally do, or think about. I had these constant unnerving thoughts about “needing” to make art or draw something. It’s a paranoia-complex that I have, I guess, that I would think that I need to do all of these multiple things at once. And it’s driven me insane (slightly). So here I am taking action towards righting that toxic complex.
I’m gonna approach writing as a priority. And anything else pertaining to art is a leisure activity.
* * *
* * *
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