Written: Thursday. May 5, 2022.
I had a dream awhile ago. I took a long nap in the afternoon, and it's currently 12: 30 am. So this was technically written by my Wednesday self, since Thursday hasn't really started yet. But whatever.
So I had a dream. I dreamt about Claire. I haven't dreamt about her in a while. Well, that I could remember. I probably dreamed of her a month ago or a week ago, but those dreams weren't as interesting as this one. This dream that I had was about me going on a date with Claire. Or that the dream was that we were already currently having the date. But it was also set in school, and it was weird, because it wasn't UST, it was IHMC. Like a dream version of it. It would make sense for me to dream about IHMC, since I most often think about my time there than in UST. But Claire being in IHMC in my dream makes no sense. But then again, that's not really the point of why I want to share this dream. I'm just setting the scene.
It was a date, but also that we were in school somehow in the date dream. Claire was annoyed or irritated with me, because I was being difficult when it came to the food or stuff that we were ordering for our date. I was either driving a hard bargain against the waiters, or trying to tell Claire the most efficient and cost effective meal we could choose, or the cheapest stuff we could buy. Details are rough to understand in dreams, but I think the point was that my dream was emulating the reality that it's more important for me to plan out the cheapest date, or like cheapest solution to whatever. My dream self didn't bother listening to his date, because he knew that even if he did, he'd still end up going for the cheap route, because it's simply what he can afford. And Claire was pissed. She was annoyed and irritated. She was unhappy in our date.
This dream is the embodiment of all the things happening in my life right now. This is the moment when I realized that Dreams aren't simply the things we yearn for in real life. It also tells us the exact reality that we are dealing with, by showing us what we're missing in reality.
The dream showed me IHMC, or school. This is because in the deepest parts of my subconscious, I miss school. I would never go back to trying college and finishing my thesis just to graduate...but I would definitely want to relive the moments of going to school everyday in order to chat or just hang out with my classmates and have fun.
The dream showed me Claire, which is symbolic of my yearning for — not really a relationship, but a companionship. More of intimate friendship, rather than lovey-dovey shit. Claire's just the clear representation of that, cause she is the most recent person I've made a strong connection with (irregardless of if it just came off as a one-sided emotional connection).
And lastly, the dream showed me that I prioritize being cheap, rather than just focusing on whether or not my date goes well for the other person, and not financially. I'm more concerned with saving and not spending a lot on one particular moment, rather than just yolo-ing the shit out of that moment.
It's interesting, because that would mean that I'm growing away from being an impulsive buyer. Especially now, that I have a small amount of money to buy a very specific item. I literally lose sleep, and lose brain thinking power, just maintaining the will power to not proceed with buying a new game, or a new book. I am struggling hard to contain myself from touching the money that I have right now in my wallet.
And that's my current frustration.
One of my constant frustrations is the inability to have the natural tendency for just writing bullshit everyday. I miss doing it, and I've done that a lot in the past, and in my current state, all of that practice and hard consistent work has basically went away in my system. It's the reason why it was so difficult for me to write the script we were writing last month. I haven't written in a long time. Neither a journal entry or a short story.
I haven't even done a new video in a while, which also consists of writing a script first, before making the video. I now have the PC in our bedroom, which is solely for my usage. But I still only end up using it after lunch time. The only early reason for me to use my computer is when I play Axie on it. Otherwise, I'd be downstairs, because it'd get extremely hot in the bedroom in the afternoon.
And the worst of it is that at night, silence isn't my ally. Silence is a rare privilege to me at night, because of the stupid neighbor's existence. I don't wanna talk about that idiot any further. I can already feel the stress.
One last thing that I want to write down is that there's a possible future where we get chosen to make our script into a real film, and that we'd be given a 750K Peso budget to make the film. Within that budget is an allowance that I'll get, because we probably won't be spending it all to make the film. If I'm going to get even just 50K out of that budget, it would be enough to buy myself a new and faster laptop than the one that I've been using whenever I go out of the house.
But then again, the possibility of that future being my future is very slim.
It would require a miracle. Stay tuned.
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